Accommodation, Part 2
In my previous blog, I wrote about the importance of accommodation to any relationship, but that there are risks to being too accommodating. I also underlined that the reciprocity of accommodation is crucial. In Part 2, I offer advice about the importance of objecting and how to state that objection without blaming and in an effective way. The importance of objecting It is helpful to state an objection when one feels they are being too accommodating. The importance of objecting is to share your thoughts and feelings with the other person, and perhaps, to take it farther and set limits [...]
Accommodation, Part 1
In my writing group recently, I mentioned that I wanted to write about accommodation. One of our members asked what I meant, so I figured it would be a good idea to define the term I am using. According to Merriam Webster, accommodation is “the act of accommodating someone or something; the state of being accommodated; adaptation, adjustment,” which includes a sense of negotiation or compromise. It is often related to being considerate and/or agreeable, perhaps fed by generosity or fear of being rejected (or both). There is a fine line between accommodating to be agreeable and being a container [...]
Emerging from confinement
But getting back to the release from confinement: how do we take these first steps? For some, it’s simply a matter of dropping these newly acquired habits (but don’t dump that mask just yet and don’t ever give up washing your hands, although that hand-sanitizer smells awful!). For others, it is relearning even the smallest things.
The River
I share with you a poem I wrote as an exercise for my spiritual group in which we were asked to express a challenge that we faced, represented by a valley, and how we overcame the obstacles. My valley became a river in a valley. How would you express a challenge you have overcome, starting with a valley?
The “What” and “How” of Loving Kindness
We hear a lot about self-care and loving-kindness, often used interchangeably, these days. Self-care has become big business as we are guided (or pushed) to purchase products and services that will offer us this nirvana of, dare I say it?, self-realisation. But is that what loving-kindness looks like when we direct it toward ourselves? I think not!
Moving past sustain talk
We have been well-trained to dig into the reasons our clients don’t want to change, but where does that get us? LOTS of “sustain talk”. Sustain talk is all the client discourse about why they don’t want to change.
Reflecting Change Talk
Key elements to successfully practicing Motivational Interviewing (MI) are being able to judge what change talk intensity to use with your clients, to further their commitment for change. Forward-moving reflections can also be helpful to guide your client towards change talk, when they are generating mostly sustain talk.
Right Effort
Buddhists speak of “right effort” in their Noble Eight-fold path; the Western work ethic seems to go in a different direction. Which one brings more happiness? What is the “Right effort” in your practice?
Love is Like a Sourdough Starter
Maybe Love is like sourdough starter: it grows on its own, but if you don’t feed it, and keep using it, it will run out. The love of hearts and chocolates is just one type. This Valentine’s Day, think of ALL the love you have.
To encourage change, try reflections instead of questions
I think about being efficient and effective in my therapeutic relationship, knowing that the client benefits greatly from a solid therapeutic relationship, and it is my job as a practitioner to build it. When someone is talking to me about their issues, I use “reflections”, usually complex ones, instead of questions. They are much more effective at building a strong therapeutic relationship and therefore, encouraging change.
Living in the Paradox of the Unknown
We are living through something surreal, parallel worlds: one in which nothing is happening, most of it via the ethernet. One in which there is real news, skewed news and utterly fake news. The only way out is through. My humanity is seeking touch, intimacy, security. How is your humanity weathering this storm?
Why Aren’t We Taught the Essential Things?
Most helping professionals have heard that up to 75% of the effectiveness of any therapeutic approach is due to the quality of the therapeutic alliance. Strangely, few are ever taught now to create that crucial relationship. MI can fill that gap.
The Benefits of Silence
For people who talk for a living, four days of silence at a retreat is an interesting contrast and frankly, for me, a welcome relief. Whatever advice or wisdom we encounter, so often shared with our clients, is turned inwards, to nourish ourselves.
Are you a People-Pleaser or a Nurturer?
Neither being a people-pleaser in a relationship - consistently countering one’s own preferences to the benefit of others - nor being with a people-pleaser are situations well-suited to developing deep and lasting relationships.
Is Focussing on the Problem the Best Way to Help a Client Change?
Psychologists, social workers, etc. have been taught to dig into what is wrong with our clients, as if we’re taught to discourage them first, then help them out of the hole we helped dig! What would happen if instead we looked at their strengths?
Happiness’ Shy Soul
This is a poem I wrote a few years ago about the importance of allowing oneself to be happy and content. Sometimes we need a reminder that it’s ok to stop and appreciate what’s good in our lives.
Forgiveness, Part 2
Forgiveness of oneself or of others, alleviates an enormous burden allowing us the energy good things.
Is Your (Emotional) House in Order?
After a family member who lived every day as if it were her last passes away, I ask whether we can all say the same thing. Do we tell our loved ones how we feel enough?
This Burden
This is another poem I wrote about the weight and fatigue of surviving life’s difficulties, and how just holding someone’s burden for a moment can make a huge difference to them.
Preparing for Old Age : The Big Questions
Your post-retirement life can now be a long period of time, yet aside from financial planning, few people really think about how they want to be in these important years of their life. It’s worth it to ponder this sooner rather than later.
When Does Recovery Become Living Fully?
Does the term “recovery” serve populations already stigmatized by previous behaviours? Or would a larger perspective be more helpful?
Why Wouldn’t You Want to Learn Motivational Interviewing?
When we offer unsolicited solutions, it passes the message to our clients that they are incompetent in their own lives, demobilises them and makes our job harder. This is why MI is a useful and practice-changing client-centered approach.
Giving Up Something You Love… For a Life You Can Live
Whether someone chooses to give up a passion like tennis or gambling, they will suffer a loss of what they loved. Compassion is crucial as they follow through with either decision.
What To Do With a Discouragement Day?
Discouragement is not something to be feared or ignored. Perhaps, allowing ourselves to explore it can be helpful.
When Expectations Bite You in the Butt…
Are all expectations bad? What happens when we don’t do well or we don’t do as expected? What is a healthier way to tackle expectations?
Not My Circus, Not My Monkey
If we could stop taking on other people’s responsibilities and focus more closely on our own, we might find ourselves with more energy, patience and time for the important things.
In the New Year 2015
Sometimes we get so hung up on what we want to accomplish that we don’t notice what we are experiencing on the way.
Love What You Have (or the Point of Comparison)
So often we get caught up in the appearances of things and relationships around us without really knowing what the truth is underneath and the cost of what we are seeing.
Forgiveness
Whereas we may fret over courses like calculus that most of us will never need, a course in forgiveness would be of much better service in life.
Taking it Personally
Most often, a hurtful comment is more about the speaker than the receiver. Others’ opinion, even of you, has nothing to do with you.
How to Survive Winter…
Many in northern climates complain about the cold and dark winters, but is this helpful? How to combat the winter blues.
Busy, Busy, Busy – What’s the Process and What’s the Outcome?
Most of us pay too much attention to our To Do lists, focussing on the outcome. But focussing on the process is so much richer!
Gratitude
Do you stop and notice what you’re grateful for often? Enough? It could replace worrying and other troublesome emotions.